
Photo: The Temptation of St Anthony by RyanDianna
This time last year I posted my new year’s resolutions on this blog. I also promised to write about ‘Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail’. I’m pleased to say I kept all my resolutions - my next post will tell you how I did it, and how you can keep yours. I’m afraid I didn’t get round to the post about why resolutions fail - so here it is.
The following three pitfalls have been highlighted for me over and over again while coaching clients to keep their resolutions - and I can assure you I’ve made the same mistakes myself many times.
1. You focus on what you ’should’ do, not on what you want
This is an easy trap to fall into. After all, there are plenty of things we probably ’should’ do that don’t seem a lot of fun, especially at this time of year. For example:
‘I should really lose some weight’
‘I need to get fit this year’
‘I ought to give up smoking’
‘I have to do my tax return’
Have a read of that list again - how does it make you feel? Personally it gives me a feeling of mild disgust and aversion. The words ‘losing’, ‘giving up’, ‘weight’, ‘bad habits’, and ‘tax returns’ conjure up a succession of mental images that make me feel slightly depressed if I focus on them.
This is the problem with the ’should’ mindset. Logically, those are all sensible things to do - but instead of motivating you to get going, they have the opposite effect. This is partly because they are all ‘problem focused’ statements. It’s a classic case of ‘don’t think of a pink elephant’ - your brain can’t process these statements without making you think about what you don’t want. And nobody likes thinking about what they don’t want - our natural tendency is to put it to the back of our mind and forget all about it.
Another problem with these statements is the use of the words ’should’, ‘need’, ‘ought’, and ‘have to’. This kind of language dissociates you from your real reasons for wanting to do these things. It’s as if there were some kind of objective standard that you really ’should’ measure up to, or - even worse - as if someone else were telling you what to do. I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand being told what to do - if someone offers me well-meaning advice my knee-jerk reaction is to want to do the opposite. Read the rest of this entry »